TTC

Autumn is here!

by noelle on October 6, 2009

fallTreeI LOVE the Fall!  It is by far my favourite season of the year.  The weather is perfect.  The air is fresh and crisp.  The leaves are changing to bright vibrant colours, and as they fall from the trees, they decorate the landscape with different shades of red, orange, yellow and brown.  Sweaters are my favourite, and every summer I long for the day the the thermometer drops low enough to put on a cozy sweater.  Fall is just absolute perfection!  I am so excited for Thanksgiving and Halloween, and before you know it, Christmas will be right around the corner.  What a fabulous time of the year.

This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and this year, I am making Thanksgiving dinner at my house.  I am so excited to have lots of yummies.   This is what I have planned for the menu, all home made of course:

turkey

Thanksgiving Dinner Menu:

  • Turkey
  • Stuffing
  • Mashed Potatoes
  • Gravy
  • Sweet Potatoes
  • Sweet Peas
  • Corn
  • Salad
  • Pumpkin Cheesecake
  • Pineapple Delight

I have decided not to have a Halloween party this year.  All year, I looked forward to it, but as the time grows nearer,  I am finding myself not looking forward to it so much.  I am just not in the mood this year.  TTC is taking a lot out of me emotionally, and with each month that passes, there is more stress, fear and worry.  So this year, I think I am just going to make a special dinner for my husband and I and watch some scary movies.

I just recently found out that a friend of mine got pregnant by accident, and has been hiding it for 3 months.  What a blow.  I am happy for her, as they were about to start TTC anyway, but a part of me is so jealous and angry.  Why is this not happening for me?  I know it hasn’t been that long, but the 6 month mark is approaching.  All I want is a baby in my arms.  I don’t care if it’s a girl or boy, or what month it is born.  I just want to get pregnant and have my baby!  Is that too much to ask?  Everywhere I go, I am bombarded with pregnant woman.  The world has gotten pregnant, and it seems like I am the only one who is not.  This is so hard!  Sorry for the constant whining and self pitty rants, but I cannot help it.  It consumes me.  Anyway, we are taking a break this cycle.  My best friend is getting married, and I want to be able to have an awesome time at her wedding.  If I were to try, by the time the wedding came, it would still be too early to test, so I am not going to risk it.  Here’s to a stress free cycle, and a great time at the wedding!  Can’t wait!

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BFN…again

by noelle on September 29, 2009

So our 5th cycle TTCing is almost gone, and today at 12 DPO I got my third BFN this cycle. I have also experience a major temp drop which can only mean one thing…AF is on its way. I am so depressed and discouraged. We did everthing right this time. Everything. The timing was perfect, we used preseed, and soft cups. I am so frustrated. I am freaking out. I am thinking the worst. I am so scared that something is wrong. When is this going to happen for us?

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No May Baby and Gout

by noelle on September 3, 2009

I am sad to say that there will not be a May baby joining us next year.  I thought we did everything right.  I am so bummed about this and am really beginning to worry about maybe having fertility issues.  For now I am hoping for a June baby.  This month, we are going to try the “Sperm Meets Egg” plan.  Hopefully, this works out for us.  The plan can be found here.  I am willing to try anything to get us a baby as soon as possible.  It’s probably better that I ended up not being preggo this month anyway.  Here’s why…

The foot pain that was has having only intensified to the most horrible, indescribable pain you can imagine.  By Friday, I was ready to hack my own foot off just to alleviate the pain.  The Tylenol I was taking was not touching this devil pain that I was experiencing.  So, I caved and took Advil, even though I may have been pregnant.  I know, I know, I am already a horrible mother to my unborn children.  I promised myself I would only take one dose of Advil, but one dose turned into every 4 hours…on the dot.  I eventually couldn’t stand it anymore and went to the doctor.  He then proceeded to give me an X-ray; another bad mommy move.  The doctor said it would be fine, but the X-ray tech ended up scaring the shit out of me.  She looked at me and said “Did you tell the doctor that you may be pregnant?”  “And he still sent you for an X-ray?”  She made me sign a waiver that I knew that I may be pregnant, and that she would double shield me.  Oh, I should add that at that point, it was way too early for me to test, so there was no way for me to tell if I was or wasn’t “with child”.  Anyway, there were no broken bones in my foot.  The symptoms I was having made the doctor believe that I was suffering from gout.  Yes…gout.  A disease that affects mostly men, and women after menopause.  It very rarely affects women my age.  Also, I have no family history of it and do not indulge in foods high in purines.  I am now waiting for the blood test results to see if I indeed do have gout.

So now, after reading all of the information that the internet has to offer on the subject of gout, I am convinced I am suffering from one of the following ailments: Renal Failure, Leukemia, or early menopause, just a few of the many possible causes of gout.  I will just have to wait to see if it is actually gout.   Anyway, whatever it was, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.  It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.  It felt like this:

gout-cartoon

Like Satan himself was gnawing at my foot, but 1,000,000 times worse.  Unbelievable.

On a totally unrelated note, Michelle Duggar is announced to the world that she pregnant with her 19th child.  She is 42 years old and got pregnant “by surprise”.  Her last baby is merely 8 months old and the woman is already incubating another one.  I am so jealous.  Anna, her daughter in-law, is due to deliver Jim Bob and Michelle’s first grandchild in little more than a month.  How is this woman getting pregnant so easily?  Can you pass some of your magic fertile Myrtle dust my way Michelle?  How many kids will they end up with?  My money is on 20.  I just pray that Michelle gives birth to a healthy child.  At 42 years of age, she is extremely high risk for genetic defects.  Those are some old eggs!  Ugh…the obsession continues.

theduggars

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I think my foot may be broken…

by noelle on August 24, 2009

I am  in excruciating pain.  The only thing that is keeping me sane is to basically keep my foot frozen.  I am waiting for Vlad  to get home with some Tylenol for me, so I can try to function without the icepack wrapped around my frosty foot.  I have no idea what happened.  There was no blunt trauma or injury of  any kind.  I even worked out yesterday.  I had noticed for the past 6 months or so, that the joint just under my big toe would start aching at the end of a workout, but as soon as I was done, it would stop.  This morning I woke up and it was hurting pretty badly, but I was able to walk.  I went to work, but as the day progressed, I could see the foot was starting to swell and by the end of the day, I could not put any weight on it at all.  Now I cannot walk.  I have resorted to using the step stool as my makeshift walker in order to be able to make it to the potty.  I am helpless.

You may be asking yourself, “Why doesn’t she take anything for the pain?  Why is she waiting for the Tylenol?”  Well my friends, that is because I am in the wonderful two week wait.  Two weeks of playing it safe, just in case I am pregnant, which I don’t think I am, because I don’t even think I ovulated this month.  I did get a positive OPK, but because my pre-O temps were so high this month that I did not have a thermal shift.  So, one of the following has happened.  Either my temps are screwy this month due to some external factor, and I did ovulate, or I did not ovulate at all.  This would be a first.  This is very scary to me.  All I have had up until now is the fact that, rain or shine, I was ovulating every month.  Anyway, now I don’t even know how many DPO I am, if I am even any DPO.  All I want is a baby!  Why is this so hard?

Also, if someone else tells me that I am not getting pregnant because we are trying too hard, or that I need to relax and it will happen, I will kill them where they stand.  Seriously.  There is no way that I can just “let it happen”  I have been thinking about this every single day for the past 6 years.  It is a permanent fixture in my brain.  It is my way of  life.  It is not going anywhere.  So give it up!  I am not going to stop thinking about it, talking about it, blogging about it, or trying too hard.   Actually, I am rather enjoying all the hard “trying”.

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I never knew it would be this hard

by noelle on August 6, 2009

So here I am in our third cycle trying to have a baby, and I know that we were not successful this cycle.  I never knew that after only three months of trying, that I would be so bummed out about not being pregnant yet.  I am sooo bummed out.  This month was the picture perfect month to get pregnant.  My temps were great, my opk was a blazing positive, our timing was right.  I was certain that I was going to be pregnant.  I even had symptoms that I never have, the most strange being extremely sore boobies.  I never have sore boobs, even before AF.  So you can understand how surprised I was when at 10 DPO I got a BFN.  Then again at 11, 12, and 13.  So AF should be here tomorrow or the next day.  I have already seen the tell-tale signs that she is on her way.  Poo!

I am so sad about this.  I had this optimistic feeling when we started this journey, that I would get pregnant right away.  I have never wanted anything more in my life.  I know that 3 cycles is nothing, and that it pales in comparison to people who are having truly horrible fertility troubles, but it scares me that maybe something is wrong.  Oh well, sorry for the rant, but I needed to vent.  I am done now.  Onto the next cycle.  This WILL be our month!!!

At least I will be able to have some wine at my best friend’s bachelorette party next weekend.

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